I'm spending Thanksgiving Day alone.
Before anyone starts feeling sorry for me: please don't. Really. It's my choice. I usually go to my best friend's house. She separated from her husband this year, and is in the middle of gutting her kitchen besides, so she made other plans. And I had other offers but turned them down. It wasn't the extra guest syndrome -- although being the "unknown friend" at a large family gathering drives me a little nuts -- but today I needed to be alone.
Today I'm spending time reflecting.
I forget this frequently, but I do have a great deal to be thankful for.
My family... my family is gone. I'm not an orphan in the classic sense of the word. My father passed away 6 years ago, but I think my sister would have told me had my mother died. I think.
Mine is not a close family, and my childhood was not happy. It was spent in foster homes, halfway houses, camping out at friend's houses, the street. There was neglect and abuse when I was at home. The conventional wisdom among observers in my family was that I would not make it to my 18th birthday. Drugs, HIV/AIDS, a violent death, something would take me before then.
I tell this to people who knew me then and they shake their heads. You weren't bad, they say. Eccentric, stubborn, sure. But not bad. For the most part they're right. I got good grades. I stayed in school -- traveling over 2 hours a day by bus in some cases, when my living situation got strange. I was active in school events. I won awards, a scholarship to the college of my choice.
The abuse: it's not worth going in to the "whys" of the situation, other than to say it happened. It doesn't define me anymore. But it gave me a perspective on life that one doesn't get through a "normal" upbringing. I learned early that the only person who would take care of me was myself. That the world didn't "owe" me anything: a place to live, a family, an education, security, hope, love.
Which, let's be honest, are pretty brutal lessons for a 13 year old.
So where am I going with this, you're asking. I'm sort of asking it of myself but there's a point to this; there's a point to this circle. Faithful readers might remember that I was in a bad car accident a year or so ago. One that really forced me to question what I was doing with my life and how I could work to make it better. It has to do with reflection and an honest attempt at looking at one's life. At the road markers and where one is now. What one is doing. I've dumped a lot of negative things in my life since that day; some quite painful to lose. In many ways I'm back to a bare-boned existence. And in an odd way I'm happier for it. But it leaves a few holes where the ruts used to be.
It's Thanksgiving and the site is slow, so maybe I can say this as probably only ten people will read this and we're all friends here, anyway.
Going back to what the world doesn't owe me: let's stipulate the world doesn't owe me any of that.
I think it would have been nice if I hadn't had to fight for it -- every last scrap -- from the age of 13 onward. If someone would have stepped up and defended me. I've been fighting alone for over 25 years. I'm getting tired of fighting. It takes a toll.
Maybe the world doesn't owe it to anyone.
But wouldn't it be nice if the world could give it to us anyway?
Let's skip to the present. There's too much crap in the middle and I've gone a bit off course.
I've defied the doom sayers in my family and come out on the other side in one piece. I have a good job, a nice car, dear friends. I have things; probably too many things but that may be a symptom of being able to have things now when once I couldn't. The job isn't the one I wanted; not even close, and that pains me more than I can say. I am the "not living up to her full potential" poster child. But I'm good at my job and it pays the bills and I have some left over at the end of the month for books and art supplies. And there is time to get back to my bliss. There is one black and two orange sleepy purrballs nearby that I cherish, and who teach me every day about living in the now.
Today, as I sit on my couch and type this, I begin to see I'm starting to fight for the same things as when I was growing up, but in a different way. Today I see myself learning what can be done on political levels to defend the child of 25 years ago. Today I go to dKos and read and learn. I volunteer, I donate money, I start to become more politically aware. I start to work for change on a larger scale than I ever have before.
All of these things come to full circle today, now, every day. If I take anything away from my childhood it must be the memory of being a victim, from the viewpoint of someone who was one, and is now able to do something about it.
Because if I won't defend that 13 year old (...the Abu Graib prisoners, the Gitmo prisoners, torture victims, the homeless, habeus corpus, healthcare, the Constitution, our political process...) ...who will?
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I have one thing that I treasure above all else: I have hope.
I've been to the bad place and I've traveled back in one piece, with my own mind and soul intact. It can be done. I've done it.
Today I have hope.
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It was a slow day on the site today, but that didn't hurt the quality of comments. A few for your consideration:
From Carnacki:
Always before I send these in as nominees and it's up to the diarist to include if he or she wants and I don't mind if the diarist doesn't include them. But I really hope this one by va dare on her Thanksgiving is included.
PatsBard gets poetic
LightningMan on the need to keep up the pressure
From me:
I usually don't pimp other people's diaries, but I have no idea if Diary Rescue will happen tonight. This one slid down the margins quietly, and I think it's worth your time: try democracy'sI just baked your pies and am done with work today
A Thanksgiving wish from Bill in Portland Maine
delphine about making a statement
fireflynw gives us a Thanksgiving poem
Anna M gives us some Native American wisdom
sally lambert at the Roosevelt Memorial
There were many good comments on Georgia10's homelessness diary. Among those: upperleftedge on who has the problem, Adam B regarding his efforts to end homelessness, becca00 regarding being overwhelmed, Els on holding magic, and feebog on doing one's share.
Migeruon hunger
eugene on the Four Freedoms, and the conversation sparked.
buhdydharma on who we can thank for this
walkingshark quotes Heinlein, who had an interesting solution to the draft question
pheedthemonkey on the ideal pundit
poemless describes the lack of nutrition in this country
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Top Comments by Mojo: Without (obvious) tip jars:
1 Everyone's fault but George Bush by Bob Johnson - 104 2 It's about the money and the power. by Granny Doc - 62 3 The christian coalition by Owllwoman - 55 4 Did you ever read Elmer Gantry? by dkmich - 53 5 War Put Abortion & Gay Marriage in Perspective by R2 - 52 6 Batiste made a complete ass of himself by bumblebums - 50 7 Their "religion" is not even about by YucatanMan - 49 8 Christian Coalition by NegSpin - 47 9 I have found it so difficult to believe that by pinkhardhat - 38 10 Leaving = Chaos. Staying = Chaos. by richter - 37 11 from my mother by kay dub - 37 12 Because they caucus with Caesar and Mammon by Pellice - 37 13 Randi Rhodes by dkmich - 37 14 I read your title and all I could think was by nilocjin - 35 15 Either that... by Immigrant Punk - 34 16 Conservatism by Flint - 34 17 Don't forget what Ike by kathika - 34 18 Right... and hate by Mogolori - 33 19 Philadelphia by Adam B - 33 20 Pro-life... by Immigrant Punk - 33 21 I discovered things I didn't know about the by Bob Johnson - 32 22 Chris Matthews by Granny Doc - 31 23 The irony, of course by Jerome a Paris - 30 24 I'm so glad the Christian Coalition is... by Intercaust - 29 25 But for my Indian heritage I woud wish you by ameri - 29 26 ...and the clenched jaw. by Granny Doc - 28 27 Jesus had a lot to say about helping the poor and by blue jersey mom - 28 28 Controlling sexuality is the name of the by JPete - 28 29 And Big Brother said... by Migeru - 28 30 Homeless Allstars by upperleftedge - 28
With everything:
1 Tip Jar n/t by davidkc - 308 2 Not a day for cataloging evil, but by Granny Doc - 142 3 Everyone's fault but George Bush by Bob Johnson - 104 4 Tips and Comments by craigb - 97 5 Tip Jar - November 23 by Jerome a Paris - 91 6 It's about the money and the power. by Granny Doc - 62 7 My goose was cooked by peeder - 55 8 The christian coalition by Owllwoman - 55 9 May Friedman choke on thoe words by Big Tent Democrat - 54 10 Did you ever read Elmer Gantry? by dkmich - 53 11 War Put Abortion & Gay Marriage in Perspective by R2 - 52 12 Batiste made a complete ass of himself by bumblebums - 50 13 Their "religion" is not even about by YucatanMan - 49 14 Christian Coalition by NegSpin - 47 15 Brooks is a lying scumbag by Big Tent Democrat - 45 16 I have found it so difficult to believe that by pinkhardhat - 38 17 Because they caucus with Caesar and Mammon by Pellice - 37 18 Leaving = Chaos. Staying = Chaos. by richter - 37 19 Randi Rhodes by dkmich - 37 20 from my mother by kay dub - 37 21 I read your title and all I could think was by nilocjin - 35 22 Either that... by Immigrant Punk - 34 23 Tips/Etc.? by sidwood - 34 24 tips by thereisnospoon - 34 25 Don't forget what Ike by kathika - 34 26 Conservatism by Flint - 34 27 Philadelphia by Adam B - 33 28 Pro-life... by Immigrant Punk - 33 29 Right... and hate by Mogolori - 33 30 I discovered things I didn't know about the by Bob Johnson - 32
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I hope that your Thanksgiving was one to cherish. Please hang around and comment -- share your stories, tell me about good comments you've seen today. I'll be here tonight to listen.
And remember to send in comment nominees to topcomments at gmail dot com, if you happen to find any during the day!